In the United States today, about 35 million people -- 13 percent of the total population -- are 65 or older. Since becoming an adult, each senior who is 65 today has probably taken himself or herself to the doctor nearly 25 times -- and that's if they only get a physical every other year or so and haven't had a single medical complaint. Seniors who are homeowners have typically bought and sold three houses. Others have rented, negotiating leases and security deposits and cleaning fees.

So how is it that so many of their adult children and other younger relatives overlook all this experience when talking to these seniors about their medical needs and living arrangements? Often, adult children switch to military mode. Like commanding officers, they tell their older parents they should go to the doctor and they ought to consider pulling up stakes before the old homestead becomes too much to handle. Lost in the shuffle is the fact that older Americans have a wealth of experience -- not to mention firm opinions -- when it comes to taking care of their medical and lifestyle needs.

So, we rounded up some seniors to tell us how they'd like to be talked to about these issues. In between their activities -- volunteering at the University of Southern California's Andrus Gerontology Center, sharpening their computer skills, taking art lessons and swimming for exercise -- they slowed down enough to share their thoughts. Here are their responses.

Related article:   Diplomacy 101

It all boils down to respect, says Rosie Harris, 80, of Inglewood, California, who has four grown children. "So many younger people don't understand that seniors have been here longer than they have and there are some things we can tell them."

Semantics are also important, she adds. "One of my daughters takes the direct approach," Harris says. That means telling Harris straight out, "Mom, go to the doctor."

Harris says she doesn't respond nearly as well to that daughter as to another, who takes a more diplomatic tact. That daughter is likely to ask, gently, "When was the last time you went to the doctor, Mom?"

When Harris talks to someone older than she is, she follows her own advice about respect. "I observe what they know [before offering any advice]," she says. "They might have the same idea [about what should be done to solve a problem] as I do."

Slow down when talking to seniors about medical and living arrangement issues, suggests Edwin S. Shneidman, PhD, 83, a professor emeritus of thanatology at the University of California, Los Angeles, an expert on aging issues and father of four grown sons. Forget your hectic lifestyle for a bit and devote the time needed to thoroughly discuss issues, he says.

"Adult kids are often so pressed for time," he says.

Better, though, to sit down, talk things through, make a plan. Adult children can be in denial about their parents' medical problems, Shneidman says. "Part of the denial is that it will happen to you."

Give seniors credit for knowing their own bodies, suggests Ann Smith, an 80-year-old retired California teacher who preferred not to give her real name so she could be totally honest. "I know my own body and I do take care of myself," she says.

When her oldest daughter strongly suggests that Smith see a doctor for what Smith considers minor symptoms, she is likely to lose patience and shoot back, "I am not going to spend my senior years at the doctor's office."

Smith's doctor has learned to respect her point of view. She knows, for instance, that Smith doesn't like to take medicine unless it is absolutely necessary and is conscious of Smith's preference to always try the lowest possible dose of medications. Smith does like the fact that her grown children will offer to go with her to an examination. Two sets of ears, she has learned, are better than one.

Drop the stereotypes when talking to a senior, suggests William Casano, 77, of Burbank, California. People often assume he doesn't know anything about technology, he says, simply because of his age. Yet, he's hard at work learning computer skills. He bristles at the stereotype that all older people slow down mentally.

"I don't want to be talked down to," he says. He's found a doctor who doesn't talk down to him. He does his part, too: He takes a list of questions to the doctor's office so he can be an informed, active patient.

Tread that fine line between giving helpful suggestions and nagging about medical care or a change of residence, suggests my Aunt Martha, 87, a retired Chicago elementary-school teacher. She is currently trying to decide whether to move from her long-time residence, a high-rise Chicago co-op perched on the shores of Lake Michigan, to a nearby assisted-living facility.

"It's OK to suggest, but not to keep nagging," she says. "You can suggest until the person says, 'Stop, I have had enough of your suggestions.' " Then it's time to lay off. The bottom line when dealing with older relatives -- or anyone else, for that matter - is you can't push anybody to do something they don't want to do."